2011

'But you could never be replaced, I'd give my life up, Just to see you one more day'

[Every year I try to recollect my year in my journals with stuff that happened through out the year so I can look back eventually and see how far I've come.]

2011, you took my heart away this year.

[I started this journal entry on Dec. 4, 2011 and today is Dec. 30, 2011. Jan. 4, 2012, Jan. 6, 2012, Jan. 16,2012, Jan. 24, 2012 so for a long period of time that was all I could say about 2011. ]

You have been very difficult for me, 2011.
No joke.

And they don't get it.
No one does.

I fell to pieces early this year, and it's only now that I'm trying to piece myself back together.
And I don't know if I can do that or if I'm ready.

So much happened during 2011, it's hard to collect.
Most of this year is surrounded by the death of you, everything else are just fillers, crap that took up time.

Imissyou. Like everyday.
From Feb. 14, when I first lost you to March 16, when I lost you forever.
I remember it all, like it was yesterday.

I hate coming home.
Every time I come home I'm reminded that you're no longer with me.
Your bedroom door, used to always be open, always
so you can see when I leave and come back.
It's locked now.

Home is suppose to be where the heart is
If that's the case then my house is not a home.
It’s a constant reminder that shit happens in life, even if I'm not ready for it.

So since March of 2011, I stopped living.
My world stopped.
It was school and work for the most part.
I cut plenty people out of my life. Just so I didn't have to deal.
Less people meant less talking bout how life was.
Cause my story wasn't all that pretty.
and
I didn't know how to move past this. I don't know how to move past this.
How to get over this, how to deal.
I just front.
Putting on that smile.
Pretending like I'm okay.
but behind closed doors, I was a mess.

And I know you'd never want this for me.
And I know you're not proud of the things I've done, since you've been gone.
It's cause I miss you.
And I know that's a lame excuse
But I promise 2012 will be different.

Cause I can't do this anymore.
2011 was such a lonely year.
I wanna start living again.
To make you proud.
You're my hustle. To get me to where I needa, wanna be.
Cause every decision I made before always had you in mind.
And now, every decision I make , I will still have you in mind. To make you proud.
Imissyou.
iLOVEyou.

2012, be good to me.

…It's to late to talk to you, and its to soon to say goodbye.
Listen where ever you may be, you still live inside my mind.
Something tells me that you are free again, in a place that feels like home.
Its never easy to understand, why memories hold our hands, but people let go...