“Anger, as long as you don’t use it against yourself, if you use it in a positive way, is wonderful energy…”

-Sandra Cisneros 

 

Banksy

I’m taking a creative writing class. Each week we are given essays to write using different writing formats. This is an essay I did for a hermit crab format and I did it in the form of footnotes.  

10 Ways To Break Your Fucking Heart

1.      Find out one of your FAVORITE Hip Hop artist will be having a show.[1]

2.      Find out you will be in the same state at that time of the show. Realize you won’t be in the same city as the show though. [2]

3.      Put up a very convincing argument and get your brother to buy you a round trip ticket from the city you’ll be in to the city of the show.[3]

4.      Lay in bed that night just smiling because you are going to see your favorite artist LIVE![4]

5.      Tell your friends who are in the city of the show when you will be there and that they need to accompany you to make the enjoyment even more enjoyable.[5]

6.      Think about buying presold tickets for yourself and anyone who is down to go with you to the show. You don’t buy the tickets, thinking you have a lot of time to do so. [6]

7.      Two days before the show and you’re in the same city. [7]

8.      It’s the day of the concert. You spend that day imagining the songs he will play. You think about buying presold tickets but still don’t because they keep advertising so it’s not sold out yet.[8]

9.      I take my time to get ready. We get to the show and wait in line.[9]

10.  We get told it’s sold out.[10]

---

[1] Surfing on Instagram one day and Bambu posts a picture stating he will he have a show on August 16, 2013 in San Francisco! He has a sick line up of other rappers who will also be sharing the stage with him.

[2]  Checked my itinerary and I will be in Los Angeles during that time. I tell myself I have to get to San Francisco to watch that show. I ask my  cousins/ friends who live in California and they all tell me that’s like and eight hour drive and I kept hitting road blocks on ways to get there.

[3] My brother lives in San Francisco and I argue with him that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. I used the excuse that because I live on Guam when I would get another chance to see him. He agrees to buy me a round trip ticket from Los Angeles to San Francisco then back so I can catch to show.

[4] I’m just all smiles. Words couldn’t even explain how excited I was. I’d listen to his music and imagine him pulling me on stage with him and rapping a song with him.

[5] I want to tell the world that I’m going to the show, I don’t. I settle by telling my friends who live in San Francisco that they have to come with me so they could understand why I LOVE Bambu. My friends and I don’t all listen to the same kind of music. Especially with me, because I listen to underground Hip Hop so I wanted to share this experience with them.

[6] I’m so amped I think about buying everyone tickets. Because I’m inviting them, I feel like I should be the one to treat them. But I guess because of my Guam mentality I don’t buy tickets. I think it won’t sell out and I still have a lot of time before the show to buy tickets.

[7] At this time I’ve already been on vacation a little over two weeks. I’ve been busy seeing family, eating, meeting new people, sightseeing, being real touristy. But two days before the show and I’m finally here I think to myself. I’m finally going to see Bambu. So my excitement is at a 10x high right now.

[8] For some reason something kept telling me to buy advance tickets. Even my friend brings it up and I tell her “nah, we don’t have to.” There was so much advertisement on Instagram, blogs and on Facebook about the show that in my mind they must still have a lot of tickets to sell if they are still advertising the day of the show.

[9] Call it Guam time style but the show starts at 9 PM, my friend said we will leave the house at 8:30 because it takes about 30 minutes to get to San Francisco. At 8:30 while she was ready to go I just start to get ready. My friend had to remind me that I’m not on Guam anymore and it doesn’t take 10 minutes to get anywhere and parking is crazy to find in the city, even at night and most especially because it’s a Friday.

[10]  We get to Brick and Mortar, the place that’s holding the show. Small line outside and we wait. I take a picture of the marquee with Bambu’s name for memories. I kept saying “oh my gosh I’m here.” My purse is a little heavy because I bring a ‘Straight out of Guamton’ t-shit and a bag of the Chamorro chocolate chip cookies I brought from Guam that I plan on giving Bambu. In my head I see Bambu before he takes the stage. Tell him my long story about how I’m a fan all the way from Guam, everything I did to get to this show and I buy him a drink. I’m smiling. Five minutes past still standing in line and then this guy walks bout to the crowd and tells us that they are sold out.

My heart drops.

I had the chance to see Bambu, Rocky Rivera, Ruby Ibarra and Rey Rez live while I was on vacation. As you can see after reading this essay I didn’t catch them. I’m honestly devastated. But I couldn’t show it. I couldn’t be devastated in front of people. It’s not that I didn’t want to be devastated or show how disappointed I was but I guess I already felt something like this was too good to be true. I feel like every time I build sooo much hype about something it’ll never follow through, the way I want it to. So I learn to try not to make a big deal at things that happen in my life. I “just let it happen.” But damn, I really did want to catch them.   

He's such a God damn talented dancer. 

I believe I always lived the greatest love story, but even the most beautiful stories have their horrid chapters. 7 long years I found myself constantly chasing after something that I thought was my soul mate. I attempted to give my heart away many times within that duration, and realized It was impossible because someone else still had it. During those years I saw it as an opportunity to bettering myself as a man, and all the traits I thought that she deserved, after all she deserved a superman. In the end no transformation into any man could sway her back in my arms. Me being so stubborn and determined never stopped me. As many of you know I always fought what I believed in. Never give up on something you love..
but when do you stop being defeated? When does the self humiliation end? Is this worth the pain?

I then realized the simplistic brutal truth that I knew was there the whole time, and didn't want to accept it. It's not going to happen. It's not going to work out. It's not worth it anymore. I held on when she let go a long time ago. It just wasn't meant to be. Today marks a really big moment for me. As hard as it is I know I have to.

It's my turn to let go.


In the end the people that do matter will always be there for you. That's the real love. I now see that this wasn't my greatest love story. My greatest love story is yet to be told, and I'm excited to tell it with whoever it may be.

To you:
You can't say I didn't try lol. I haven't felt this happy since the day I met you, which is in 4 days. Happy Anniversary? haha but seriously, thank you so much for this journey. You are the real reason why I'm living my dream. You are the real reason why I'm the man I am today. I'd spend lifetimes trying to repay you. Well, at least you know that there is one man out there capable of loving you so much. I thank God for allowing me to share such an experience with a woman so beautiful. I wish you the best as always. Goodbye.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I await this :)

                  -Brian Puspos

Passion for the craft

I fell in love with Hip Hop again at least with mainstream Hip Hop.
I mean, I never fell out of Hip Hop but its been awhile since a song has created such a hype that everyone wants to put their two cents in.
This track or not even this track this verse got the whole game on its toes.

I'm mad that this song dropped while I was on vacation though.
Because before I heard the track I heard all this buzz over this 'Kendrick Lamar Control' verse.
And I was like what the fuck are these people talking about.
Heard the verse and I was MIND BLOWN.
So here I am two months later talking about it, it's already old news.
Still very relevant but this 'hype' time has passed I feel like shouldn't be responding to it now. 

But,
I'm so excited to see what Hip Hop will do with it.
How they'll run with it.

I don’t know the monsters you knew
But I’m trying to forget the ones I met too
Baby you could help me
Baby I could help you

 

I leave the door unlocked, I leave the lights on

I used to think I could smell you, everywhere

Making me feel like it was a Sunday morning and I’m waking up next to you, realizing I don’t have to work today.

Knowing I can spend the whole day right here, just like this.

You always smelled like fresh laundry.

Like you drowned your clothes in fabric softener  

And I know it couldn’t  been that pile of freshly cleaned clothes I have in the corner because I’m a forever broke college kid  so drowning clothes in fabric softener is a hell no.

I was pulling a sweatshirt out of my closet, I inhaled and there you were.

It was August 1^st again, your birthday. This was the sweatshirt I wore to bed that night.

I had to turn to the bed to see if maybe you were still sleeping

Maybe you slept over last night

But you weren’t there

And you haven’t been there in months

And I don’t like sleepovers as much as I like sleepovers anymore

Because you form a habit, a pattern

And just when I started feeling comfortable waking up next to you

I lose it. That habit, that pattern, you

 I’m left with an empty bed.

Left with your scent on my pillows, on my sheets

And even though they’ve been through the wash on some nights you were still on them

Like you just stepped out the room

I had to rearrange my room

To shake you out of it

Cause even though we rarely enjoyed sleepovers at my place

My room had you written all over it

I used to avoid sleeping on the side of the bed you slept on

It felt weird

I had a problem of moving around when I slept

I remember telling you I would sleep one way and wake up asking myself how the fuck I came to this place over here.

I was afraid I’d push you off

I never pushed you off

With you, I kept to one place

I realized recently I started moving around like crazy again while I sleep

Seven pillows on the bed when I fall asleep, seven pillows on the floor when I wake up

I guess it’s my body’s way of telling my mind I’ve let you go.

I did my laundry today; it didn’t remind me of you.

Specks of Loveliness

I used to hate my freckles

It made me different

All the kids, all the Filipino kids around me didn’t have freckles

I was made to believe Filipinos weren’t suppose to have freckles

Our pigment's use to the sun

I wanted to be everything Filipino

Like everyone around me

My freckles, made me different

It screamed hapa

Not from here

Not like us

Not like you

I used to want to stay in the sun to get dark so that maybe my freckles would fade away, or blend in with my skin tone

They never did

I still have them

It took me years to accept my freckles

It took me years to accept me